In a blatant attempt to gain hits from the geek population, here's some ridiculous thoughts about various DC characters, that I swear I didn't just think of right now, whilst watching an Adam Sandler movie for some strange reason.
If Batman's so friggin' amazing that when he went back in time during Final Crisis and left elaborate clues as to how to enable his return, why didn't he just send his parents a time released letter, telling them not to go to the Theatre the night they were shot? What, you couldn't think of an elaborate and complicated Bat related scheme that involved putting a stamp on an envelope?
Doc Magnus of Metal Men fame is widely recognised to be slightly embarrassed by his robot Platinum's affection for him. Everyone around him, from other heroes, to the rest of the Metal Men accept this with a smile and a quip and no one ever points out one simple fact. Doc Magnus programmed these robots, none of the others have ever shown love for any other being, animate or not, (Shut up Nameless fans, Tin is a pussy) and even when Doc rebuilds them after every inevitable "accident", he never corrects that flaw. Colossal pervert. And these comics were for kids?
Comics are getting more and more realistic and adult orientated right? So what happens when Poison Ivy needs to visit a gynecologist? Think about it, she's pure poison, so is there some specialist out there in the DCU who deals with super parts? Come to think about it... Who's the Shark's dentist? Who is Man-Bat's vet? Where does Hal Jordan go to get little Hal checked out when he's "pulled a Kirk", does OA have a clinic? Hey, fuck you okay, Kevin Smith made money writing this stuff.
And seeing as I doubt I can lower the bar much further..I'll leave it at that. Wait, did I say I couldn't go any lower?
I'mJSayonara..and I'm way too old to be thinking about this stuff. Not that that's gonna stop me.
I loved my Megadrive (Genesis to you over the Pond types), but this..this was a love I would not feel again until I discovered Jack Daniels. The day I opened that shiny box and withdrew a mint copy of Super Mario World..
Of course, being twelve when it came out, I owned maybe seven games during the entire life of the system. But what games.
Shame Nintendo now suck..damn you Wii..damn you. Speaking of being twelve..
8:
Nuff said?
7:
Green Lantern
This is why I included a comments section. Go on, you know you want to.
Fuckers..
6:
Bottom
If I were slightly older, this would've been the Young Ones. But I'm not, so it isn't.
This was just as good though. Fart jokes and mindless violence always went down well when we were supposed to be doing maths.
Not that I ever went to Maths, I was always busy mitching and talking about Bottom.
5:
Doom
Talking of fucking about in school.
The best thing about computer science lessons?
Sneaking in a disc of Doom, installing it on all the computers, password protecting the file and then spending all afternoon shooting Hell demons instead of learning to use MS Word.
Bonus points if you played it in Windowed mode so you could minimize it whenever that old fart of a teacher bothered to stop reading his paper to see what we were doing.
4:
Neverwhere
The X-Files was great and all, but there was, for a brief and shining month, something better. The BBC actually managed to create their own dark fantasy series which ran right before said show.
No-one watched it because it looked cheap (which was part of it's charm) and because everyone was waiting for Mulder & Scully to kiss.
Their loss.
Being by now, a massive Sandman fan, the fact that Auntie Beeb had commissioned a series by Neil frickin' Gaiman, set in a dark London underworld blew my mind.
Sure, it hasn't held up well, but fuck, did I love the hell out of this show (and indeed the subsequent novelisation).
Now about that sequel Neil...
Bonus feature:
Because, if you were there, you'll understand.
3:
Loaded Magazine
Long before the deluge of shitty "lad's mags" that contain not much more than pictures of a bunch of tarts from Essex with bad boob jobs and "humorous" television reviews, we had Loaded.
The British answer to Playboy, this was the magazine for learning about the finer things in life. Candid interviews with proper celebrities, photoshoots that were actually sexy and a window into a world that was just coming into view, this magazine introduced me to people like Gary Oldman, Bill Hicks, Peter Cooke, Denis Leary, Hunter S. Thompson and many other long time influences.
Just as Girl Power was taking over the country, this magazine held the vanguard for the Lad.
2:
Beavis & Butthead
What to say about B&B?
Before South Park, before Family Guy, before King of the Hill..
There were these two. If you were in your late teens, liked rock music, girls and fireworks. You probably had more in common with these guys than you wanted to admit.
FIRE!!!
Ahem..sorry.
1:
Earth Vs the Wildhearts
If you know me, you know why.
Still my favourite album and probably always will be.
Honourable mentions:
Spaced
Headbanger's Ball
Gamesmaster
Return again soon when I'll probably get around to talking about the ten worst things about this decade.
*cough Rob Liefeld cough*
I've been JSayonara..and this wasn't supposed to take two hours to write and lay out.
Feel free to leave a comment, so I can insult you.
Yet another occasional feature, in which I'll endeavour to educate you as to five albums, books, games or movies that you probably haven't experienced.
And if you have?
Then you can sit and feel smug with me.
Hipsters got nuttin' on us.
Oh, and there's one you'll almost certainly know but which deserves re-visiting.
The Eureka Machines: Do or Die
A fine pop punk band from Leeds, they first caught my attention supporting Ginger Wildheart.
After a magnificent set, they had me rush straight to the merch stand to purchase a CD (well not straight to, have you tried bouncing around at a gig with a CD in your pocket?).
Do or Die is their debut album and a right cracker it is too.
Some absolutely belting tunes including the track above, if you enjoy a great platter, full of cheerful hooks and punchy riffs, you owe it to yourself to check this one out.
And for my friends overseas who may have a hard time finding this, may I point you to this site.
Only £8 will get you album number three in MP3 format and help support a band who deserve a shot at stardom.
Go on, it'll be your good deed for the day.
The Distillers: Coral Fang
Goddamn, I love this album.
Now, sadly defunct, L.A based punk band The Distillers released three albums, of which this is undoubtedly their best.
Lead singer Brody Dalle screams her way through an album of songs of love, loss, hate and regret that burn your speakers even as the hooks pierce your ears like some kind of aural bullet from a big Punk gun.
If you love Punk rock done perfectly, you've gotta give this one a shot.
Peeping Tom: Peeping Tom
You all no doubt know who Mike Patton is (and if you don't, which rock have you been living under?), lead singer of Faith No More, after that bands eventual collapse, he went a bit mental...musically, that is.
To write about his recorded output would take many more paragraphs than I have here.
Founding his own label Ipecac, he fronts varied avant garde bands, including Fantomas, The Dillinger Escape Plan, Tomahawk and Mr Bungle.
However, for FNM fans, this is undoubtedly the album you should seek out.
Having gone on record as saying (about Peeping Tom):
"I don't listen to the radio, but if I did, this is what I'd want it to
sound like. This is my version of pop music. In a way, this is an
exercise for me: taking all these things I've learned over the years and
putting them into a pop format".
Taking such diverse elements as Trip Hop, Rap, Rock and traditional crooning, he and his collaborators crafted an album that could sit quite happily between his late Nineties FNM work.
Well worth seeking out.
Exit_International: Black Junk
Talking of noise.
This is an album by a band of Welsh nutters.
If you like the posted track, you'll love the rest of it.
It's not for everyone and certainly an acquired taste.
But it's absolutely marvelous for getting wrecked to.
Devin Townsend: Epicloud
You may have heard of Devin.
Lead singer/guitarist of the band Strapping Young Lad, Mr Townsend has produced a number of albums I'm very fond of (look out for City, it's fucking amazing).
However, as that bunch of Welsh reprobates up there have pretty much covered the extreme selection for this feature, I decided to go with something a little mellower.
Epicloud is an album for the Sunday morning after the Saturday before, poppy, rocky..dare I say effervescent?
Why yes, yes I do.
Mix this with a bacon sarnie and your hangover beverage of choice and you'll be up and about in no time.
Unless of course, you really overdid it, in which case at least you've still got some cracking tunes to listen to whilst your head splits open like an undercooked egg.
Win/Win I feel.
The one you've heard before
Alice Cooper: Love it to Death
The album that brought us "the" Alice we know and love.
This album would be worth it for Dwight Fry alone.
Add classics like I'm Eighteen and Is it my Body? and you've got one of the best albums of the Seventies.
Even the cover of Rolf Hariss' Sun Arise works as the album closer.
Bonus feature:
I just saw Cabin in the Woods.
It was nothing like I expected and if you haven't seen it..I'm just going to say, go watch it.
And brilliantly, it gives me an excuse to post this picture.
I've been JSayonara..and it's too damn early in the morning for this shit.
It's the weekend, which mean it's time for a semi-regular feature (in other words, whenever I can be arsed to remember).
Fuck it all Friday.
In which I, your kind host, sink some cans and write about what I hate.
Hey, maybe you'll hate it too.
Then we'll have something to talk about.
Won't that be nice?
Snow
You cold, white, powdery, smug cunt.
I'm not ten, it's not Christmas and I live on a hill.
Just fuck off to France already.
Plus, with just one mention the world goes into a meltdown of panic buying milk and acting like we live in Greenland.
And I don't get my good stuff in the mail because of it.
Watching a film late at night when it suddenly goes LOUD.
For no reason at all.
How many times have you turned up a movie late at night, just for the MUSIC TO SUDDENLY VOLUMISE?
So you scramble desperately for the remote, which crashes to the floor,making even more noise.
But, you finally get that noisy bastard to an indoor voice volume, just in time for a talky bit which you can't hear.
And then, just as get it to the right volume to hear..aghh! fucking music again.
Fuck you Hollywood.
For every possible reason you can think of and then some.
Bonus feature..
You've no doubt heard the latest exciting geek news to hit the sci-fi movie world.
That's right fuckers, WWE films are making a Leprechaun prequel.
Starring Hornswaggle.
I think the world really did end in December and we were all to busy arguing about stupid stuff on Internet message boards to notice.
I mean the fucking Leprechaun?
Does Vince McMahon's colostomy bag need changing again?
I fully expect him to buy a big castle with a spooky basement with which to try and resurrect Andre the Giant, Frankenstein style, next.
Either that or set up a new "extreme" American Foosball League*.
Oh yeah, and some dude who makes incomprehensible Sci-fi shows has agreed to direct that Star Wars thing.
With added Jar Jar.
And there's no way I can sign off without posting this.
You can insert your own Pot o' Gold/Luck of the Irish joke though.
I've been JSayonara..and you probably owe me a beer.
* I'm British, your sport of makes no sense to me. And it's not "Soccer", it's football. So called because you're not allowed to use your hands. Duh.
So, here you are, well, not actually here, you're there, where ever there is.
But, you're probably wondering, how did I get here?
Searching for porn possibly?
That's okay, we won't judge.
Unless you were looking for freaky shit.
In which case you'd better click some ad's before we inform your ISP.
We kid, we kid, we understand, really.
Wait though.
No need to scrabble around desperately scrolling up to that little red X (plenty of time for that yet).
On the basis that you weren't looking for porn and you're not one of the few people I know whom I cajoled into looking at this place, why not stick around?
As if I don't talk enough shite already, I've decided to spread myself over this World Wide Webby thing (mind's out of the gutter please people, it wouldn't be pleasant).
So, I'm going to use this blog to talk about music, video-games, comics, movies, books and general pop culture stuff.
But not sports...never sports
And I promise not to talk politics unless I'm calling someone a cunt.
Which I probably will. Frequently.
Chances of me not hating something this week.
Of course, I may just post some silly gifs and pictures of topless girls. Depends on how much I've been drinking really.
And a note to Americans and other aliens, this blog is definitely NSFW.
If you're an American who already knows me, you'll know that I'm rarely safe for work or indeed life itself.
So that's alright.
I only posted this in the hope of hits, I swear.
Anyway, I've been JSayonaraand you haven't.
Who knows, I may even be funny occasionally, stranger things have happened.
Feel free to post a comment, even if it's just to call me a dopey cunt.
It's alright, I'm used to it.
Oh look, a monkey.
No monkeys were harmed in the writing of this blog, although I did step on the cat.
